Wednesday, August 17, 2011

So many emotions, so little time

So the time has come and I finally have to go back to work.  When my husband and I decided to try and get pregnant, we figured that the most convenient time would be around March so I could take the rest of the school year off and then have the summer off and low and behold, it somehow worked out exactly like that.  Tera was born February 26 and I've had 6 glorious months off with my little girl.  For the most part, I do love my job.  I wasn't thinking that last winter when I was pregnant and trekking all over the building with a crappy schedule and mostly freshmen (which are not my favorite), but now that I've been away, I can delude myself into remembering the good parts.  I'm just not sure how that all works with Tera in the picture now...

The one thing I can honestly say I didn't expect as a mother, was the constant and oftentimes overwhelming emotions.  I'm sure part of it is dealing with the Down Syndrome and all the emotions that go along with that (not to downplay the emotions of other moms), but a lot of it is just being a mom.  I can look at her and have a million thoughts and feelings go through me and there are times when I'm just not sure how to deal with that.  I've had more than one person recently tell me that I'm very laidback for a first time mom and I have to say, I'm a bit surprised that I have been because that's not really my personality.  But I've come to discover that I can't be all crazy psycho about everything about her because there's just too much to be crazy psycho about! With three therapists, a cardiologist, a pediatrician, and now we're adding an ENT to the mix, if I freak out about every little thing, I literally won't make it. 

So now that I'm going back to work I'm somewhat relieved that something else will be there to take my mind off of thinking about her current situation and all future situations, but I also know that relief will be short lived and sooner rather than later the reality of missing out on some of my favorite times of the day with Tera will hit home. 

Today I was able to visit her daycare and talk with her teacher and I feel so good about where she's going to be that it does make the whole situation so much better.  I'm looking forward to her being around other kids and learning from them and with them and having someone other than me to stimulate her (I should add in addition to me, I do love playing with her).  So next week my little girl goes off to school and I will go to work and be grateful that she is not old enough to do what I did to my mom when she brought me to daycare.  And that is, cling to the fence and scream, "Don't leave me!" as she drove away...

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