Sunday, September 4, 2011

It strikes again...

The past few weeks have been VERY busy.  To start, my brother-in-law had major surgery on his jaw to remove a tumor.  It was a 22 hour surgery, he was in the hospital for 12 days, and is now recovering safely at home.  Then, I went back to work for the first time in 6 months.  Then our best friend and his wife had their first baby.  Oh yeah, and I had my first real break down in months in regards to the DS.  We went from worrying and thinking about everything that was coming up (the surgery, the baby, and my return to work) to living it.  But at the same time as all of that was going on, we also had to adjust to Tera being at daycare during the day (where she is doing great) and all that goes along with bringing her there (packing bottles and food) and scheduling her therapies while both of us are working.  Needless to say, it's been an incredibly stressful, busy, and emotionally intense few weeks.  I haven't been sleeping and it's not because we have a baby at home. She sleeps great, I just don't.  We've had 2 straight weeks of my husband not being home after work almost any day of those weeks leaving him to deal with all of the hospital visits and family stuff and not being able to see his little girl, and me to handle the unpacking and repacking of her stuff and mine and then my husband and I both collapsing at the end of each night into bed. 

Now it's probably not surprising that in that time with all that we've had going on, that I had some minor emotional issues.  Ok, maybe not so minor.  I've had little sleep and feel like I can never turn my brain off at night and in those times of my life that the things I felt like I had under control, come back not so subtly to remind me that I don't.  So on an otherwise normal day (as normal as it can be lately), I'm sitting at my desk at work during my prep period and looking at the pictures of the most gorgeous little girl on this planet and all of sudden I feel my heart breaking and tears welling up.  I can honestly say from day one of her life, that my daughter is the most beautiful thing to me on this entire planet.  Her face (and the rest of her) bring me so much joy there are times when I feel like my heart will explode with love.  Then are the times when I look at her face, and the DS features seem to stand out to me more than they usually do.  This has never once lessend my love for that face, but it has been a slap in the face to remind me that she has that extra chromosome.  I've come to the conclusion that what seems to happen is that, while I never forget that it's there, most of the time I just accept it as our way of life and don't dwell to much on it.  Then there are other times when it hits me just what it means to us and her and it makes my heart hurt to the point I don't know how to handle it.  That's what happened on Thursday.  In one of my absolute favorite pictures, her features just stood out more than usual and it I almost lost it at work.  I found some ways to cope, made it through the day, and then raced home as soon as I could to see my baby. 


Friday was ok, then Saturday came, and with not much more sleep to go on, it happened again.  This time at least I was at home, my husband was with me, and so was Tera.  I still can't explain what brough it on, but it's mostly the thought of, "why us?".  I typically don't dwell on that sentiment, but in the last few weeks, with everything going on and trying to fit her therapies into our new schedule and the acknowledgement that she is different, I just couldn't deal.  So I cried uncontrollably into my husband's chest, and held my my sweet baby and just kept crying.  Because it's not fair.  But these are the cards we've been dealt and while I know these episodes won't end, I just have to hope that they happen more at home than at work and that Tera is nearby and can remind me that no matter what, we are lucky. 

One of the things that has made this more bearable is that one of my best friends and and an extremely talented photographer, did Tera's 6 month pictures last weekend.  I can't believe it's been six months already and while I can honestly say I don't regret at thing about how I've spent the last 6 months, it's still hard to believe how fast it's gone by.  She's grown so much and accomplished so much and I'm just so very proud of her.  So I'll end this on a happy note and say that we are enjoying this long weekend together as a family and share with all of you just how much she's grown.  I love this little girl more than I will ever be able to express. 

Tera at 8 days old

Tera at 6 months old



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