Tuesday, November 8, 2011

The result of too much thinking...

I'm beginning to miss my maternity leave time.  I was doing ok for a while, but now I'm missing it.  Not just the time off, but all my time with Tera.  I'm not a person who's delusional enough to believe I could ever really completely stay at home.  I've tried thinking that if I could only have a job that didn't take so much out of me, didn't require that I take work home, didn't require such an emotional commitment, I could be better off.  But then as soon as that happens (ie summer or summer school) I find myself incredibly bored and looking for a challenge.  Now I do have to admit, staying at home was not easy; babies are a lot of work and you can't really procrastinate with them.  You really do have to feed them when they're hungry, not when you get around to it (they're just so needy).  I didn't get more sleep, I didn't really get more done.  And after a while, I kind of needed a break from thinking about Down Syndrome all the time.  Also, as engaging as I'd like to think I am, I really did want Tera socializing with other kids and just as I am trained and experienced in my line of work with the big kids, her teachers are more experienced and trained in working with babies.  She can get things from school that I can't provide her as well as they can, and they absolutely love her to death there. 

But in the past few weeks as the weather has turned colder and my stress seems to have grown, I find myself longing for those days when I could wake up to her sounds and my first job was to feed her and play with her.  I think back on those first few weeks with her when it was still cold out and how we could snuggle in bed and she was so little and being in pajamas all day was pretty normal for both of us.  I had a chance this past Sunday to spend almost the whole day with Tera and I thought it would make going back to work on Monday easier because I got in a lot of time with her, but it made it harder!

I do love my job, but there's a lot going on that's made me reconsider what I really want to do with my life.  I still want to be involved with the students, but is the classroom the best use of my skills? And then I wonder if now is really the time in my life to change things up? And then, if not now, when? And I can honestly say I don't have answers to any of these questions.  And yes, I will also admit, a fear of the unknown is a pretty big factor. 

Basically what I'm getting at is I'm at a very unfamiliar place in my life of not knowing what to do.  And at the same time I'm missing my time with Tera and the higher quality time we were able to spend as a family because other things could be done because I wasn't working.  We're finally going to Gigi's this weekend for the first time in months because we haven't had time.  I'm so excited for the holidays and more "firsts" for Tera, but I'm already not wanting them to come too quickly because I don't want it all to be over. 

Ok, I've rambled a bit.  See what happens when I don't do this daily? Stuff builds up...I need to spend some time this weekend reflecting, but now I'm going to get ready for bed because all this thinking nonsense has me exhausted. 

This is the result of her mad rolling skills which landed her under the dining room table.  But she seemed content so we took pictures instead of moving her.

No comments:

Post a Comment