Monday, November 28, 2011

Overemotional? Yep that's me...


This weekend was a little more emotional for me than I expected.  Every time we have go through a new experience or milestone or holiday I experience a feeling of excitement and anticipation and then a let down afterwards when it’s over and I realize that she’s getting so big so fast.  This weekend was her first Thanksgiving and her first tree cutting and soon it will be her first Christmas and first New Year and then, do I even mention it, her first birthday. 


I think I’m still overly emotional much of the time and I wish I could make it stop because sometimes while it should be something I should be enjoying, I spend it thinking and feeling too much.  I wish I knew how much of this was just normal first time mom stuff and how much is related to the fact that I’m still adjusting to what Down Syndrome now means to me.  I have talked and heard from many other moms that tell me everything I’m going through is normal mom stuff, but I know that’s not all of it.  So many of our decisions and plans and choices revolve around that aspect of our lives right now and I’m not a person who’s gone through life with a “let’s just wait and see what happens” kind of mentality.  I like to have a plan; I may not even necessarily stick to that plan, but there is a plan in place nonetheless. 

The other emotion that keeps getting to me is nostalgia.  I think typically nostalgia is something that comes years after a time period has ended, but I think it still pretty accurately describes the feelings I’m experiencing.  We have a digital frame in our living room and as you can probably imagine, it’s mostly full of pictures of Tera.  Every time a picture of us in the hospital with her or even of our first few weeks home, I get this pang of “nostalgia” and wanting to go back to that time.  I don’t even know why because even though she’s been an easy baby since day one, it was a harder time because I was adjusting to SO much at one time.  But I think it’s a longing for a time when it was just the beginning of our little family and it was my time with her and work wasn’t an issue.  And I can’t help but wonder, will it get better? It sounds so crazy to say that I enjoyed my time in the hospital because at the time all I wanted to do was be home, but because we were experiencing so much Tom and I and our family and friends were bonding (it sounds so after school special but it’s true) even though it was over a traumatic event.  I guess I”ll have to see how this all plays out and find a way to deal with my clinging to the beginning of all of this and maybe time will improve it…

And finally, as I’ve written before, I can’t believe how much more difficult it is to go back to work after more time than usual with Tom and Tera.  I feel like so much of our time during the week is spent on therapy and appointments that when we have a stretch of time without all of that, it’s so blissful.  Sunday we didn’t even leave the house and none of us changed out of our lounging clothes.  In fact, Tera was the only one who actually got clean at any point and it was amazing.  But then my old friend anxiety decided to pay a visit last night and I couldn’t even enjoy the last few hours of our weekend without worrying about the fact that it was ending.  But as Tom and I discussed, we have a few too many expenses for either of us not to back to work every Monday and so I muddle through it trying to get just one more kiss and smile from her and waiting until the next weekend.  If anybody has the cure for this, I’m open to suggestions…

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