Sunday, January 8, 2012

Inner turmoil

It's amazing how many emotions one can experience in one day.  When I woke up this morning I was able to enjoy the fact that despite the fact that Tera was awake at 4:40 am, she eventually fell back asleep and stayed asleep until 6:30.  After she had her bottle, we were able to spend some time that I look forward to the most together as a family.  The three of us in our room together just playing and being silly.  It is by far my favorite time of any weekend we get to do it. 

When Tera went down for her nap I was finally able to have some time to just sit with my coffee and read, something I NEVER have time for (unfortunately it was through some emails and not my book but it's still progress). 

We were able to visit with my aunt, uncle, and cousin for a few hours and then after they left, the stress of the strike situation hit me again.  I am currently uninsured, which with a daughter who is sick with something every other week, is a bit overwhelming to think about.  There's also the stress of the unknown with pretty much every aspect of this strike.  How long will it last? When will we make up the days? What will our contract actually be? How will it affect final exams? Way too many questions, no answers. 

But then I played with and fed my girl, and wondered again how I go back to work? At this time last year I was preparing to spend the next 6 months at home with a person I didn't know and now I'm wondering where my life will take me.  I feel stuck and completely free at the same time.  I'm trapped by the comfort and security of my current position, and yet the possibilities of where I can go from here seem so encouraging.  I can honestly say I really don't feel that the strike is the cause of these emotions.  While I do feel, along with many of colleagues, that our Board of Education doesn't seem to value my time and what I do, this is a feeling that started before any of this.  I may go into more detail about this in a future post (which I know I've said before) but I still need some time to sort through some things on my own.  But it all comes down to what is best for me and my family and I'm still trying to figure out what that is. 

So now I'm just left with a bunch of conflicting feelings.   I want to spend some time with my daughter, but I should be and need to be at work.  The fact that this little experience has left me with some unexpected free time is also hard to come to grips with.  Do I just enjoy the time because I know I'll have to make it up? Or do I picket and otherwise hole up in my house because I'd otherwise be at work? I'd love to say I'll wake up in the morning and know the answers to these questions, but I'm pretty sure that won't happen.  I guess I just go to bed and wait and see what happens...

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