Thursday, January 5, 2012

Regrets

Today I was on strike for the first time in my life.  I hope it doesn't last long and I hope I can say this is my only experience with it.  But I can't talk about that tonight, I'm all talked out about it and it's making me angry so time to check out of that situation for a few hours.

I want to talk about regret.  I think this somewhat goes along with making New Year's resolutions because so many people don't like them because they end up regretting that they didn't stick with them.  What I try and think of resolutions as, besides things I don't like to make, are things that you just aim to improve on.  There's no consequence to them, they're just ideas to make your life more what you think you want it to be. 

The other reason this comes up is because Tom sent me an email a few days ago as a silent reminder of what he always wants me to remember and what I always strive to do, successful or not, and it's called Don't Put Your Life on Hold.  It basically is from a person who says they were always dying to finish their current path and move on to the next one and at the end it says, "And now I'm dying and I realized I forgot to live" and I find myself doing this all the time and I recognize it, which I think is half the battle, but it's so hard to change.  Right now I'm in such an uncertain place in my career.  I feel like I could be doing something more, but I don't know what, and it's an awkward time in my life to take on a new challenge.  As a result, I find myself discouraged at work, for more than one reason, which leads me to just want the week to be over so I can enjoy the weekend and then that's over and I start all over again.  Meanwhile, I'm hoping for the weeks to go by quickly so I can get to the weekend, and at the end of the month I wonder how another month has gone by in Tera's life and I want it to slow down! What a time dilemma!

I made sure during my maternity leave to spend as much time enjoying Tera and not worrying about when the next milestone would be and what I had to get done in the meantime.  I truly had an amazing 6 months with her, and with Tom, as our new family developed and we all discovered our new roles.  But somehow I've lost that commitment as I've been back to work.  I am envious of people that enjoy their jobs because I just don't feel that a lot of the time anymore. 

So how do I change my predicament? The obvious answer seems to be to make some changes in my career, but as I said, I don't know what I'm looking for.  I feel like I have a lot of time and effort invested in my current school and I would love to find my solution there, but I just don't know if that's feasible. I could go on, but that's for another post.

The bottom line is I need to do something in the here and now to make me a happier person.  A mentor of Tom's had a saying about never having had a bad day.  What a delight! I'm not going to believe I can make it to that point just yet, but I'd love to wake up in the morning (on a Monday through Friday) and look forward to my day so that at the end of the week I don't look back and regret my decisions, my time, and my efforts.  I don't want to look back in another year and realize that I've missed time with Tera and Tom because I was wasting time being unhappy.  So maybe I just start with thinking of something each day to look forward to (at work, not just being done with work) and see how that goes.  I'll let you know in a week or so.  Or maybe a month, this next week could be a little dicey...
My two sources of inspiration...

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