Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Some of the fears

Tonight we had our first opportunity to see how well Tera's tubes are doing.  We had an appointment with her audiologists and they were THRILLED with her progress.  She did so much better in her reactions to sounds and it looks like the tubes are doing exactly what we hoped they would.  One more concern we can hopefully check off our list for now. 

I'm sitting here tonight with several ideas going through my head trying to decide how I feel about writing about them.  I'm feeling somewhat reflective tonight, but I wonder how much I have to write about since we've only had one year (almost) of experience under our belts.  I thought about writing about what it's like to raise a child with special needs, but then I realized, I may not really know that yet.  Since I don't know what the future holds yet, I can go through some of the fears I experience, but I won't dwell too long on them since I don't want to leave this with a negative feeling.  The fears I experienced a year ago are a little different from those I feel now.  When we received her diagnosis I worried about the common health issues I'd heard about, if she would be excluded from things because she's different, and if she'd be able to do all the things we'd talked about her doing before we knew.  I do still worry about some of those things, but now I also worry about things I didn't even know about a year ago.  I worry about how we have to change some of our ideas about planning for her future, I worry about health issues I didn't even know about then (which in her case, so far, are minor), I worry about how we balance all the appointments and keep our sanity, I worry about bringing another baby into our family at some point and how that affects Tera and us.  I even worry about how we'd even be capable of taking care of a baby that isn't as easy as Tera has been so far.  The list goes on but I don't need to give myself a complex before going to bed. 

Right now I'm mostly concerned with getting through her birthday.  I'm not trying to be over dramatic here, but I'm a highly emotional person.  This comes as no surprise to many of you who know me and most of all not to my husband, but I am and it makes me crazy most of the time.  The closer we get to her birthday, the more I think about and remember everything about the days leading up to, the day of, and the days following her birth.  I keep thinking about being in the hospital and how fast everything happened and having those dark moments when I was so scared and hurting and then 5 minutes later so incredibly in love with this new little person.  I think about how I strong I felt my connection to Tom grow as we fought through our emotions together and tried like hell to feel like a new family when our newest member was a floor away from us and couldn't come home with us when I left the hospital.  I think about the fact that at this time last year I knew I would the next 6 months with her and now I still have 4 more months before I can be home with her again.  These things go through my head night and day lately and part of me welcomes the memories, and part of me wonders how I deal with the emotions when I know they'll only get stronger as the day gets closer. 

We will be celebrating her birthday with our family and friends in about a week and I'm pretty sure I can handle that part.  Although we seem to have about 60 people coming so I may be overestimating my abilities there too.  But I'm not really sure how I'll sleep the night of February 25th...

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