Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Emotional triggers

Last night was a perfect example of how I might never be perfectly okay with everything.  You know how there are just some things that trigger your emotions? For me it's usually the smell of something or a song.  Apparently I'm very scent oriented because I can be taken back 20 years by just a familiar smell.  I have the same association with songs.  While I'm not musically inclined in the least, I do consider music a big part of my life.  Tom and I spent as much time putting together a playlist that plays in Tera's room all the time, as we did researching baby gear and registering.  So when I hear certain songs, it can very easily trigger emotions.

Last night was neither of those things.  It just hit me like a truck.  Tom and I are big fans of the TV show Shameless on Showtime.  It's a comedy/drama about a dysfunctional family that's well written, well acted, and just plain entertaining.  In this past Sunday's episode (which we watched last night) the oldest son in the family, who is 17, finds out his pseudo-girlfriend who is pregnant with his child has gone into labor.  Without going into all the details, his whole family of siblings and friends totalling about ten or more people, happen to be at the hospital at the same time and find out she's in labor and that he's there and all end up in the delivery room.  When the baby finally comes out, the nurse calls the doctor over immediately.  They take the baby over to the table and the whole family gathers around and asks what is wrong.  The oldest sister looks at the baby and says he has Down Syndrome.  As an added twist, the baby also turns out to be Asian, which the supposed father is definitely not thereby indicating he is in fact not the father.  I kind of glossed over that part because I was already crying.  In seconds it had taken me right back to a year ago and all that pain just shot through me again.  To make matters worse, to me and on the show, the adoptive couple that had hoped to take the baby home, find out about the two discoveries and the wife tears up and walks out of the hospital without the baby.  That was kind of a second punch to the gut.  Now to be fair, it is only television and they also didn't say what the reason was for the couple leaving, it may have been the combination of facts.  But logic is kind of hard to recognize in those highly emotional moments. 

There is still one more episode this season so we'll find out next week how this all plays out.  But as that episode ended, my tears didn't.  It's hard to just turn off what has taken me a year to work through.  I sometimes forget that we came to our acceptance rather quickly compared to some other people I've read about and that it's ok that I'm not totally there yet.  I may never be.  No matter how comfortable we think we feel, it's still not what we were expecting and there is a certain amount of grieving that goes along with that.  As I've said before, I think sometimes the fact that she does so well with so many things, kind of makes us forget sometimes what we're really dealing with.  Sometimes that's a good thing, but it can also leave me a little unprepared for those moments of realization. 

But despite the somewhat rough end to my day yesterday, it was totally turned around this morning when I felt like I could finally declare that my determined little girl is officially pushing herself into sitting! It's happened once or twice a week for the last two weeks, a couple times last night, but she was moving up and down all morning today and I was so incredibly proud of her.  It's so amazing to watch her go from one day being able to do it once or twice, and the next day just completing mastering it. 

Let's see what she can do with tomorrow...

Flashback to when she was 2 weeks old


  1. She is beautiful little girl. She has the best parents on the planet. Jarmalove

  2. My husband and I watch that show as well. I was very affected by that episode as well. I felt it was heart-wrenching. I felt so sad for that baby when the adoptive parents walked out.