Thursday, June 21, 2012

Things I think about when I'm home by myself

I went into Tera's room this morning to put away her laundry and then realized I had to move her books around since we switched her furniture a little and I ended up sitting on the floor of her room just thinking.  I looked around at all the pictures on her shelf and the piles of books and just thought. 

I remember how much time we took carefully picking out all the things that went in her room and how we would make it all fit and trying to decide on a "theme" and then putting it all together.  When we found out we were having a girl we kind of decided we'd try and keep her room neutral just in case there was a surprise in the delivery room (boy how we had no idea!) and also in case we were to have another one it would all still work.  Plus, I'm not really that into pink (I know, shocking).  We had already painted the room when we first moved in and had gone with the Ralph Lauren suede paint in green so fortunately the color worked because it was supposedly a pain in the ass to paint over. 

After months of debating between superheroes and Star Wars, we went with Star Wars for two reasons: one, there isn't that much decor with female superheroes and two, we already had more than a bedroom's worth of Star Wars stuff.  I did tell Tom my limit was villians; if we were going to do her room in Star Wars it had to be limited to the good side of the Force.  We narrowed it down to just three characters and her bedroom theme was born: Princess Leia, Chewbacca, and R2D2.  Tom pulled out the figures he wanted to use in there, we hung up his two most relevant movie posters (not so coincidentally the two that I bought him), and we found an artist at the ComiCon that had these really cute cartoon version prints of the three characters we had chosen. 

I decided on a very neutral bedding set, we picked out a crib, rocking chair, and bookshelf from Ikea, picked up Tom's brother's old bedroom dressers and one hutch from his parents house, bought a double bed with twelve drawers of storage underneath, had a friend make us curtains as a shower gift, and added one final touch, a Wompa rug.  All in all the room cost us very little and looked great. 

As we got closer to my due date and after I'd had my baby showers, we had some empty picture frames just waiting to be filled.  My very good and very talented friend did my maternity pictures and got some great shots of Tera's room.  As I sat on the floor this morning, I looked through one of her little photo albums which had the room shots in there and I saw all the empty frames, and then I looked up and saw all those same frames, and some new ones, but all filled and it hit me once again as it still so often does, that's she's ours.  I can't believe that this whole motherhood thing still hasn't quite sunken in and I'm not sure at what point that's supposed to happen.  Does it ever? I keep thinking maybe we can she say "mom", but even then I'm not sure. 

At the beginning of all big things I think most people question the reality of what's happening.  When I first found out I was pregnant, the first thing Tom said to me was, "So we're really doing this, huh?" And even now, I still think that.  I see her toys in her crib, and her clothes in her drawer, and the pictures of my beautiful little girl and it still seems surreal to me.  I have said the words, "I am Tera's mom" so many times, but what does that mean?  So far it means pain in my heart like I've never experienced, and joy in my heart like I've never experienced.  It means every morning that I wake up and see that sweet, beautiful face smiling at me my heart just melts.  It's a house full of chaos that in my wildest dreams I never thought I'd be okay with.  I look at the pictures around her room and around our house and realize one year has already gone by and still I don't know how it's gone so fast.  She can do so many things now and she's communicating with us and she's starting to sign and she has favorite things and recognizes people.  I do miss those baby moments, so much at times, but I really am excited to see her become more and more her own person.  And the more she develops in that person, I realize just how much more everyday that I love her.

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