Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Guilt

There really should be a study done to find out how many hours parents spend trying to get their children to sleep between birth and eighteen.  I'm speaking from frustration of course right now, and to be honest, I have one of the easy kids! One of the other studies that should be done is how many hours parents (I'm guessing more moms than dads but I don't want to stereotype) spend feeling guilty.  About anything.  I've always been someone who feels guilty about something and it's hardly ever warranted; I guess it's just another charming aspect of my personality. But since Tera was born, it's even worse.  I don't even know what I feel guilty about, it's fleeting thoughts here and there and sometimes, like this afternoon, it's a crying type of guilt that mostly came from being frustrated, but made me cry nonetheless.

The fact that she fought her nap this afternoon and the reason I was so frustrated was mostly my fault to begin with because she was in and out of the car this morning and got little 20 minute naps in here and there. But I also knew she was tired and that if she didn't nap, the rest of the evening would be miserable.  I did finally get her down, but it wasn't until 3:30 and then I had to wake her up a little after five, which is probably part of the reason bedtime wasn't as smooth as it has been.  What I was feeling guilty for today was the fact that it really was my fault that she wouldn't sleep, but I've been thinking about a lot of things lately and I think that, on top of not sleeping well most nights, is wearing me down and I was just tired.

What made me feel the worst was knowing that she's in daycare two days a week; I don't even have her at home with me the whole time, and I still can't get a grip.  Most of the rest of my friends have their kids all the time and while I know they all have their moments like me, they seem to manage.  And of course in my rational moments I know that I too could handle it, I did last summer, and that the main reason for her being in daycare is so that she doesn't get out of her routine (which I'm really glad I did because she seems to be experiencing more separation anxiety lately), but rational thoughts aren't part of guilt.

I also feel guilty about not doing more stuff with her since I've been home. I kind of imagined being able to do more outings or visiting, but several things seem to have thwarted that plan.  One, the weather though beautiful today has not been agreeable to most things outdoors.  Two, now that she's down to one nap, that pretty much eliminates anything between the hours of 11 and 2.  And three, she still can't walk by herself and that really does limit some of what we can do.  It's hard to hold her the whole time at the spray park and she doesn't like being confined to a stroller and then having to get back in the car again right away so that makes some of those types of trips difficult as well.

And then add to all of that the anxiety I'm having about trying to get things done before I go back to work and it's no wonder I have about one breakdown a week.  I finally stumbled upon an idea that might work for me, someone just has to invent it.  I need a DVR for my thoughts.  That way anytime I think of something it's recorded and I can just go back at the end of the day and make sure I didn't forget anything.  I'm really quite proud of my idea, just not smart enough to make it happen.  So if someone could get on that, I'd really appreciate it.  When is Apple going to figure that out? Can I buy an app that does it?

On a totally different note, the checkup with the cardiologist yesterday went fine.  The second hole still isn't closed but he told us to expect this one to take a while.  I did ask if there was a point in time when they would consider it taking too long and discuss surgery, but he said that wouldn't be until she was 18.  So good news there, we go back in six months, and then after she's two we should just be down to one visit a year.

What would absolutely make my week is if I slept great tonight and there were fabulous thunderstorms tomorrow but only after I get Tera into daycare and it was cooler out.  I already have coffee planned with my favorite sister-in-law and beautiful daughter in the afternoon, Tom's off on Friday and we have few plans this weekend besides hopefully getting to enjoy a fire in some wonderfully cooler weather that requires a snuggly sweater.  Just saying that would all be great.



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