I feel like I don't even know where to begin. There are lots of emotions and thoughts going on right now and interestingly enough, I'm not overwhelmed by them. Today, contrary to a lot of people's opinions, was a perfect kind of day for me. It was rainy and cold and a Sunday which meant I could just feel all cozy and comfortable at home. I lit all the candles that we own, wore my favorite comfortable slippers all day, changed from one pair of yoga pants into another, and didn't leave the house once. The biggest downside was that Tera was (is) sick. Again. She's been battling what we think are allergies most of this week, but they've been wreaking some havoc on her. A nasty sounding cough, watery eyes, runny nose, more irritability than usual, and she's been tired and waking up off and on this past week. But then my allergies which are always worst in the fall, have given me a sore and itchy throat so I feel fairly confident that that's the cause. Probably. Either way she's not been herself.
Then last night she woke up several times after going to bed and ended up throwing up at around 12:30. I pretty much got up with her every half hour to hour for the rest of the night and while she almost threw up twice more, fortunately she hasn't again since then. She has run a fever since then though. Now, I'm no doctor (though I feel like I'm close to one), but in my experience, allergies don't typically cause vomiting and a fever which leads me to believe we're now dealing with something else.
After getting her back to sleep around 5:30 this morning she ended up sleeping until around 7:45am. When she did finally wake up again, I dressed her in her comfiest clothes and we started our day. As these kind of days do tend to be my favorites, simply for the coziness factor, I went about making my house exactly that.
Tom and I have had an ongoing discussion for months about whether we want to stay at our house or if we want to plan to move in a few years. Today was definitely one of the days when I want to stay. I loved our house today. It was so completely warm, cozy (can you tell I love to be cozy?), and comfortable that despite the rain, clouds, and my utter exhaustion at having had very little sleep last night, I wanted to be nowhere other than where I was and who I was with.
Tera's disposition doesn't always change when she's sick, but today she was definitely more tired, a little more easily upset, and definitely more clingy; but overall, she wasn't bad . She took a two hour nap but ended up whining for most of the second half which tells me something was bothering her. She was hungry most of the day but never knew what she wanted to eat. She Face-Timed (is that a verb now?) with two of her aunts, my grandma, and her BFF just so we could try and keep her happy and distracted. And despite having slept late (though not sleeping well last night at all) and a two hour nap, she was falling asleep by around 7pm.
We watched a few movies today, I got some laundry done, and we got ready for the week. But as always when Tera gets sick, we try to also prepare for what may end up happening. Fortunately tomorrow she's with Tom's parents so she'll be well taken care of while we're at work. The hardest part for this week is that she has her endoscopy scheduled for Thursday and if she's not healthy, she can't be put under. As Tom and I discussed last week when she was showing symptoms of being sick, our motto seems to be "just wait and see". So we'll see how the next two days go and then she has an appointment with her pediatrician on Tuesday to get final clearance, or the red light, for the procedure on Thursday. If she's still feverish and/or throwing up, my guess is that will be a no-go. If I had to guess right now, based on the lack of symptoms other than the fever and throwing up, I'd say maybe another bladder infection. But if it's not that, I'm going with the ever popular "virus" diagnosis.
One of the hardest parts when she's sick, other than not knowing what it is and not being able to fix it, is just wanting to hold her all day and all night until she's better. Several of the times she had to be helped back to sleep last night I rocked her in the rocking chair in her room. Despite how tired I felt, I really didn't want to put her down. She could breathe easier when I was holding her and she seemed to sleep so much more soundly in my arms. I can almost feel her putting her trust in me to make her better; or at least anticipate what's going to go wrong. There've been four times in the past 24 hours when I've had to finally decide to let her sleep on her own and it's been a difficult decision every time. And right now, even as I'm typing and my eyes are crossing from looking at the screen and a lack of sleep, I know that the second I hear her really cry tonight, I'll be there to rock her again.
If there's one thing I can try and control when my sweet girl is sick, it's that I will be there to comfort her as much as I possibly can. I want her to know that mama is always going to be there when she hurts. I hate more than I can say that my baby has had to endure so much in her short life. But the amount of love, concern, and support she gets almost brings me to tears each time. I know that there is no shortage of people who would drop everything to be with her, will call and check on her daily, and who will love her and hope for her health like no one else.
Tom and I finally met with an attorney last week to draw up our wills and also a special needs trust for Tera. Just the fact that the people we had to name for the various responsibilities came so easily to us is a testament to the friends and family we have. They never once balked at the possible responsibilities and it makes going through something like that infinitely more easy when we have people whose trust and love we never have to question.
And so I will go to sleep tonight, if only in short intervals, knowing that I love my home; my daughter and husband for making it a home; our family and friends, and my life. For as difficult as it is, I know endless amounts of love and support.
And since tomorrow is Monday I may not feel quite as gracious as I do tonight, but I am gracious that I have a great friend picking up coffee for me. I have a feeling I'll need it.