Thursday, July 24, 2014

And we're still dealing...

Today I would have been 30 weeks pregnant.  Instead our baby is about a week and a half old.  I won't say I've accepted everything yet, because I definitely have not, but I guess it's getting a little better.  I won't say we've quite settled into a routine yet, but we're getting a little closer.  I should be able to drive by the weekend or beginning of next week which will make me feel a LOT better and not quite as helpless as I have been this past week.  Emotionally I'm still kind of a mess.  I'm not saying I spend my whole day crying by any means.  I'm not depressed, I'm not worried about post partum depression, or being too upset to function, but we're kind of dealing with a lot of shit.

Tom has really only taken one day off since Zoey was born and that was last Friday.  He worked from the hospital Tuesday through Thursday last week and has been Tuesday and Thursday this week.  He of course, is in the middle of a million projects right now and trying to work and take care of Tera, and me still to a point, and see Zoey.  He's strong, but there is only so much one person can take at once and is therefore completely exhausted each day.

I have to pump for Zoey about seven times a day, so my schedule has to revolve around that and each session takes about 30 minutes total at least.  And even though my beautiful baby has in fact been born, since she isn't at home, I have to set an alarm to wake up myself up around 1:30 am to do it in the middle of the night and then try and fall back asleep, then get up at 5:30 to do it again.  Then I help get Tera ready for daycare so Tom can drop her off and either go to work or come back home to get me and go to the hospital.  At nights we try and stay home so Tera's routine and time with us is as typical as possible.

But on top of the Zoey issues we're dealing with, Tera seems to be acting up at daycare again.  Apparently there are some issues with pushing and at mealtimes and some of the things we've suggested in the past, aren't working now.  Today they're trying her weighted vest to see if that helps, but if it doesn't I'm kind of stumped.  There's no way to know if she's acting up because she knows there's changes going on with Tom and I, or it may not be related at all.  She's had these types of issues before when things were normal at home so it's really hard to say.  She starts back at preschool in just a few weeks so I'm hoping at the very least, that that will help, but she was having these types of issues last year at the end of the school year so who knows.  We keep thinking a behavior chart would help, but it's hard to settle on something that will work in all of her various settings, but that will allow us to be consistent wherever she is.

I don't know that I could feel more overwhelmed by life right now.  I deal with Zoey issues during the day and Tera issues at night.  I can't do anything for Zoey, but I don't know if that makes me feel better or worse.  As far as Tera is concerned, there are too many variables to really know for sure what may be causing problems.  I don't want her to be the kid that causes problems and I know for the most part that she is a very sweet, loving, and good kid.  And she's going through a lot right now.  She's an incredibly intuitive and empathetic little girl and environmental factors affect her.  She knows there is a baby somewhere, and we've called her her sister, but she hasn't met Zoey yet and even when she does, she won't be at home with us yet and so it will be difficult for her to process.  I've tried to assume she understands more than we think and we've been trying to explain what's going on.  I even tried talking to her about her behavior at school, but I don't know for sure what goes on in that pretty little head of hers so who knows if it makes any difference.  She's also been struggling at bedtime since our lives were turned upside down and I think we're making some headway on that front, but the behavior part of Tera is a constant struggle of trial and error and guessing and hoping.

And my neuroses and neat-freakness aside, things like laundry and dishes, doctor appointments for Tera (and some for me too), and paying bills all still need to be done.  Oh and then we have that little project of adding a screened in room in our backyard going on as well.  And my poor husband is left to deal with most of that mess as well.

But here are some positives in the Zoey situation that at least help us deal with the rest of the mess that is our lives.  Her chest tubes are out and lungs are stable.  She was moved off the oscillator over the weekend to just a ventilator, and then off the ventilator yesterday to a CPAP, and should today be moving to just a low steady stream of oxygen (of which she's just at room oxygen and nothing extra).  They've taken her off all the pain medication she was on for the chest tubes and her she has central line in her arm instead of her belly button.  Her second head ultrasound showed no extra bleeding which means the amount of blood that was in there should just gradually reabsorb in the rest of her body with no long term side effects expected.  She has been tolerating feedings of only 2ml every six hours by a tube in her mouth to her stomach and has finally pooped :)  The one big current issue is her heart murmur.  They were deciding whether or not to intervene, but ultimately decided to medicate her to hopefully help the hole close so that it doesn't affect her lung function.  It's a three day course of medication at the end of which they will repeat the heart echo and see if it helped.  As of yesterday the doctor said she thought it sounded better, but we haven't talked to the doctor yet today.  Some of the best news of my week though is that I was finally able to hold her for the first time yesterday.  It was only for an hour and they want us to try and only do the holding every other day right now until she's a little more stable, but it was one of the best moments of my life.  I'm sure there's more info, but I can only remember so much at one time right now.

Tomorrow we will take Tera to Gigi's so she can play and we can just pretend something is normal and then we're going to bring her down to the hospital in the afternoon so she can finally meet Zoey.  I'm hoping Tom can hold Zoey either tomorrow or sometime over the weekend so he can finally feel a little more connected to her.

I think that pretty much sums up our life right now.  We're dealing, happy with Zoey's progress, exhausted from life, and trying to maintain some normal for Tera (and for us).  I will continue to keep everyone posted as much as I can and once again, we appreciate all the thoughts, concerns, and offers for help.

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