Saturday, July 19, 2014

As reality sets in

There are probably a few people who read my last post and wondered what actually happened.  I will say that after sharing it with many people over the past few days, in combination with being pretty tired, I will just give the overview.  

We knew after the diagnosis of the vasa previa that my situation could change at anytime.  I was told to restrict my activity and I had.  But on Monday afternoon, for some reason, things changed.

At around 3:45 on Monday afternoon, while my mother-in-law was fortunately at my house, I had a complication.  She took me drove me to the hospital and Tom met us there.  We had originally headed to Highland Park Hospital, but shortly after leaving the doctor on call  told me they wanted me to head into Evanston Hospital instead because of the fact that I had already had the issue the week before and that I was only at 28.5 weeks.  

Tom met us at the hospital and the the nurses and doctors took over.  Things fluctuated a bit and they told us to expect to be here for a few days for observation, but they were also very upfront that if things turned, we still needed to prepare for a c-section early.  A little after 8pm we thought things were getting better, and just as a point of reference, (Tom looked later) he texted one of my friends at 8:26 to tell her things were looking okay.  Right after that, things weren't okay.  Another complication, accompanied by cramping, sent the doctors and nurses into immediate concern and after a quick examination, it was decided that they were moving me immediately into surgery for a c-section.  In what was only a matter of minutes, I signed the consent form, they moved me across the hall, gave me general anesthesia, and delivered our daughter.  She was born at 8:43 pm (remember the text that Tom sent at 8:26?)  

I was able to see her briefly on the way from recovery up to our room and could not believe how little my baby was and that she was in fact in an incubator and not inside me anymore.

The next day was a bit of a blur of visitors, trying to recover, and wanting to see my new baby, but unable to hold her.  And here I am.  Trying desperately to hold on to reality and still trying to grasp what reality means right now.  In a few hours I will be discharged and once again, leave the hospital after having given birth, without a baby to show for it.  And yet every experience puts previous experiences into perspective.  When Tera was born, leaving her in the hospital for four days seemed near impossible.  And here we are facing the reality that Zoey will be here for not four more days, or very realistically, not even four more weeks, but longer.  And that not only do I have to drive 40 minutes to see my newborn baby girl, but I have a little girl at home that also needs me very much.  

And on top of this, I'm really trying to handle my own issues.  I have to physically recover from the c-section, which fortunately is going very well, and this is going to sound odd, but I'm mourning the sudden and very unexpected end of my pregnancy and also the fact that we just won't get to experience a "typical" birth and bringing home a baby.

Most people who know me know that I don't love being pregnant, so it would seem to be a positive to all of this that I get to be done quicker, but knowing that the end of it came with so much stress and worry, and that I had no time to prepare for it, has left me a little uneasy.  Being the Pinterest addict I am, I had hopes of doing some of those really cute, memorable maternity pictures.  We had taken some, but now I won't get to do some of those other ones I had hoped to get, especially with Tera.  I can't even really nail down what else about it bothers me, I just know the feeling keeps hitting me that I'm not pregnant anymore and after these two roller coasters, I won't be ever again.  Although, I can most definitely hear wine and vodka calling my name...

And I won't lie that over the past four days, when I have seen or thought of newborn babies anywhere, a little piece of my heart hurts that I have yet to hold mine.  We aren't putting her in her car seat to go home today, the outfit I had packed in my suitcase doesn't even come close to fitting her, nor will it be worn.  Her room will remain empty for a while (though it's not completely ready yet I would rather she be in it).  

I know these posts will become more positive as things progress, but it's just a really hard time right now.

With Tera for the first time

With Zoey for the first time

No comments:

Post a Comment