My poor husband is swamped at work again and we're pretty much exhausted and running on caffeine (and alcohol sometimes). Our life is not perfect, or easy, but we're getting by. This is a drastically different frame of mind from where I was about a week ago, so I guess that means I'm making progress too. High five to me for not losing my marbles permanently (although this a constant stage of change for me...).
So why am I feeling so much better these days despite the fact that things in general kind of aren't going our way? Because my girls are making progress! Both of them.
Sunday she spent the morning with Tom's parents while we went to the hospital, but when we got home, she put on her underwear again, and again did great with only one accident. We knew the work week would be more difficult because she's not ready to be in underwear full time yet, at least not without several clothing changes, at daycare. But each night she's come home, she's changed out of her diaper and has done really well. I'm so proud of her progress and hope that we might finally be turning the corner on this miserable experience.
She's also working really hard on speech despite everything else that is going on in her life right now. She's constantly trying new words and always willing to work with us on her pronunciation. That kid's work ethic amazes me to no end. Of course there are times when she doesn't want to cooperate, but considering that she has to work so much harder than many other kids her age on every word she says, her effort is nothing short of inspiring.
And then there's our little Zoey. Our fighter, our little overachiever; she even wanted to be born earlier than she should have. This little girl has gone from a shaky start her first few days, to knocking out obstacles left and right. She's breathing on her own with little to no issues. She's gaining weight. She has a heart murmur that is still there, but doesn't seem to be affecting her. And as of yesterday, at 32 weeks gestation, she's in real clothes in room air, and we attempted a bottle for the first time! Her eyes are open more and more, she loves to snuggle up on me (and I won't lie, I'm a pretty big fan of it too), and those little lungs that were such an issue for her first week, can produce a pretty impressive cry when she's not happy about something.
I really don't think I could be more proud, impressed, or in awe of the strength and tenacity of my two daughters. They really are my heroes.
That being said, I will admit my heart hurts when everyday that I'm at the hospital (which right now is six days a week), there is a family in the elevator that is going home. I know our time will come, but the fact that we haven't and won't ever bring a baby home with us when I get discharged still stings. The fact that we know the terminology and ways of two different NICU's, sucks. The fact that I walk by Zoey's room every day and know that while she's in this world with us, but not at home with us, hurts.
But I've gotten to the point, and it was hard the first couple weeks, where I know things could be so much worse. We are lucky. Maybe not as lucky as some other people, but lucky all the same. We have two beautiful daughters that while not completely healthy, are healthy enough. We have family and friends and coworkers who have shown incredible amounts of support and love for our girls, and us. We've had people sending gifts for both Tera and Zoey, cooking for us, helping us around the house, watching Tera, and just in general checking on our overall well-being.
At the end of this day I can say that I had time snuggling with both my girls (Tera's time was a bit shorter because as you know, she can't sit still that long) and all things considered, that's not a bad way to spend a day.