So my last attempt to write a post took over three weeks and I never ended up finishing it. But I’m determined today.
Here we are in a new year. I don’t even know what to say about this past year. There have been many times when I would have said it was arguably one of the worst years I’ve had. But I can’t even begin to think of any year that brought our sweet Zoey into the world as the worst. We’ll say it was a challenging year. It challenged my belief in myself that I was a good mom, shook my belief that I could handle one more challenge without seriously losing my shit, challenged the idea that I was a good person if for no other reason that I wasn’t given the opportunity to have a non-traumatic childbirth experience. During certain times I think that yes, we had some rough times, but we came through all right. At other times I couldn’t help but wonder who we pissed off to earn what we’ve been given. I have cried a lot of tears, felt a lot of self-pity, felt some guilt at the self-pity when comparing our situation to other people’s, felt a lot of jealousy when comparing our situation to other people’s, and experienced more love and amazement than I ever thought possible.
I read through one of my posts from two years ago on New Year’s Day and for Tera’s first two years I wrote about what she had accomplished in the past year and also what that year had brought us and what my hopes were for the next year. When I wrote my post last year, I had no idea what 2014 would bring. That’s the really crazy and kind of scary thing about the beginning of a new year. Last year at this time I had just started recovering from my miscarriage and while we planned to try again, we obviously didn’t know for sure what would happen. As it turned out it didn’t take long and by the end of January we knew I was pregnant. But on the date of that post, there was no indication of what was to come. I had no idea I would get pregnant again rather quickly, or that I would burst into tears at the sight of the positive sign for fear of experiencing what we just had started to recover from. And the pregnancy proceeded with all its bumps along the way; multiple episodes of spotting and the recurring fear that we were losing another baby, the prenatal testing that resulted in my finding out I was a carrier for Spinal Muscular Atrophy, a disease that tends not to allow a very long life span. The 20 week ultrasound that showed that while the baby looked fine and healthy, I had complete placenta previa that had a very low chance of resolving, a possibility of bed rest, no travel, and that I would most likely have to deliver a minimum of four weeks early (ha!) and via c-section. Bleeding at 27 weeks that led to my finding out my complete placenta previa had completely resolved but instead I had vasa previa. And I think we all know what happened at 28 weeks…
But along the way, we experienced plenty of happy moments as well. Tera started preschool last March in an Early Childhood program and has some really phenomenal people working with her and supporting her. Over the summer she started hippotherapy (speech therapy on a pony) and loves it and also started the literacy program at Gigi’s (which she took a break from when Zoey came home, but should be starting up again soon). Her language and vocabulary are exploding right now! Some of our current favorites are, “Oh, okay” (with a twinge of Russian accent), “everybody” (pronounced errbody), and “Ewww, gross!”. She absolutely loves her baby sister and regularly insists on holding and comforting her. She’s finally started watching movies (although usually is still moving the whole time) and some of her favorites are Lion King, Despicable Me, Monsters Inc, and Frozen. She also loves Doc McStuffins and Sofia the First on Disney Junior. And drumroll please...she’s currently in the longest health streak of her life! In the next year I’m really hoping we can manage some of her less desirable behaviors a little better and that she continues to progress with her speech and communication. We’re also hoping we might be able to transition her off thickening her liquids and getting her to drink from an open cup.
And now I get to include our sweet Zoey too! At five and a half months actual and three months adjusted Zoey is our happy little baby. She started sleeping through the night after her second stay in the hospital and is usually pretty content if she’s being held. She smiles like crazy, has some super strong legs, and is not the biggest fan of tummy time at home. She’s starting to lift her head a little bit so she’s a little behind there, but is very vocal. I have no idea what the next year will hold for Zoey as far as development. I know it’s hard to predict the pace at which she will develop and since we didn’t follow a typical schedule with Tera, I guess this shouldn’t be difficult for us. But we both admit it would be nice if we could have at least some typical development with Zoey since we didn’t get to experience that with Tera. I hope she can get through the next year without too many health issues and that she continues to be the amazingly sweet, easy little girl that she is. Since she’s our last one, I’m really trying not to hope for things too soon. I want to be able to enjoy and appreciate all her stages and I really don’t want her to get too big too fast (although at still less than eleven pounds, too big probably won’t be too much of a concern right away).
And there’s our family. I would love for us to be able to take one of the trips we had planned on taking last summer, like Door County or a water park. I’m hoping we can finally get our screened-in room started and finished so we can enjoy a little more of next summer. And I want us to be able to enjoy some stress-free time as a family and maybe, just maybe, Tom and I can also have some time away from our two beautiful, sweet girls too.
I’ve never been big on resolutions. Too many times they’re unrealistic or life gets in the way of the best intentions. But there are things that I try to work on throughout the entire year that I will call life goals instead of resolutions. I’d like to try and feel more comfortable with myself both physically and mentally and I’m hoping I can continue to make the changes I need to to make that happen. I don’t want to lose sight of what’s important and I want to stay committed to having quality family time together.
So there’s our year in summary and my hopes and dreams for 2015. I hope everyone else has a healthy and enjoyable year as well and thank you as always for following along on our little adventure and for all the really encouraging comments along the way. Happy New Year!