Friday, July 6, 2018

4th of July blues

The other post I started writing is far more informational, this one is a little more personal.  Last year on the 4th we had Tera spend the day with my mom because our traditional 4th of July plans had been proving too much of a struggle for Tera.  It kind of sucked because even though I knew she was having fun and getting all the one on one attention she adores, it was another realization that things are different for her.  So we spent the holiday, one we've always spent with close friends and family, with Zoey and not Tera. It hit me a little harder than I thought it might.

Then there’s this year.  As I perused social media throughout the day, it was hard not to feel a little jilted as she spent this “fun” holiday in a hospital bed recovering from having her heart opened.  The pictures of parades and pools, barbecues and flag shirts, people generally having fun while we wait to see if she can keep down some animal crackers. And of course this year we’re with Tera, but not Zoey. It’s not the first holiday we’ve spent apart as a family, and it’s certainly not the most meaningful, but it sucks nonetheless.

The first afternoon was a lot more concern about the doped up state she was in and the random bouts of agitation and pain.  Yesterday morning we were relieved at a pretty uneventful night and still worried about pain levels. We did okay for a while, we were encouraged at the water she was drinking and then the throwing up started and we had to handle that minor set back and start the slow re introduction of liquids.  But then miraculously, our sweet Tera started to slowly emerge. My heart actually smiled every time I saw that little face light up, every time she’s gave me a kiss, every time she told me she loved me and smiled that sweet little smile. We were both overjoyed at how much more herself she was. We were at the perfect combination of her sweet personality being back but she’s still pretty subdued.  

She made some great progress in getting some tubes out, sitting in a chair, and going potty, and then she started throwing up again.  So we had to give up the idea of food for the day, go back and go back to all IV fluids. Last night was also rough and have several bouts of throwing up despite being on Zofran.  The doctors are trying to work through what that all means, but that sucked. We are not naive enough to have thought everything was going to lollipops and rainbows one day post op.  But it sucks to see your kid even more uncomfortable than she was already was. And honestly, handling everything like the absolute rockstar that she is. See the thing about Tera, if you haven’t had the pleasure of her company is, she will win you over.  Between her smile, her strength, her sense of humor, and her sweetness, people just naturally fall in love with her and one by one, she’s winning over each nurse that is lucky enough to work with her.

But now I have my other issues to work through.  Namely, the PTSD that comes with both of my kids.  As I leaned in to kiss her head so many times, the smell brings me back more than seven years to the very first time she was hooked up to so many things.  I just inhaled that scent and it brought me right back, and it wasn’t easy, especially knowing that what we feared back then, was happening now. And then there’s the other one; my baby.  I was doing okay, probably better than in past years because of this giant distraction, with handling my issues surrounding Zoey’s birth, until Tuesday night. As I walked down the halls to get some water, I passed by so many rooms with babies so so so tiny.  Bigger than my Zoey, but not by much. And again, there I was right back in the hospital and that fear of the unknown. Would each new day bring continued progress or a set back?

And so we play the game again.  Tera continues to progress with the big things, and we try and deal with the other things and keep our minds cautiously optimistic that our time here is drawing to a close.  
4th of July 2016

No comments:

Post a Comment